Lost and Found

I want to write more. And I want to find my voice, which I lost ages ago.

The only way I can make sense of myself is by writing words that others can see. A private diary never worked for me.

So let this be a small step onto a whole new road.

Yesterday, I drove for the first time in, I don’t know, six or seven years? I wanted to see if I remembered how. I wanted to make sure that in a pinch, if I had to put two kids in a car and roll away to someplace near or far, I could.

It went… fine. It was just a 15 minute excursion along the winding shoreline roads, out to the lighthouse and back, but it felt like freedom and it felt like progress and it felt like the melting away of certain fears that held me back for so long.

I am at this point determined to face all my demons, and so far it has left me scratched up and bruised but also hopeful… even as the world around me burns.

For the last few days, I’ve also been fighting a Japanese Maple tree. So far, it is winning every battle but I believe I have a shot at winning the war. Trying to build up strength, I’ve been hanging from its branches. Wrapping legs around it and shimmying upwards like a sloth, until muscles twitch and I drop.

I wish this tree was in my backyard rather than right out by the sidewalk, so that I wouldn’t get side-eyed glances from people walking dogs and babies on these lovely spring days. Sometimes I have my kids come out there with me because it looks a little less strange when it’s a dad having fun with his kids rather than just some weirdo in a silent war with a tree.

But I also have been taking double doses of Don’t-give-a-fuck lately. Life is short and wild and weird and messy and all these things that perhaps we wish it weren’t but it is anyway… so we might as well just be what we’re going to be, right?

That said, I see a world around me with struggles that are so much deeper than my own. So much more severe and so much more serious. But for whatever reason, I am unable to bring myself to do more than send some money to places where it may help, listen and learn, and signal boost where I can. It feels lazy to stop there, but I haven’t figured out the right next steps yet.

Although I will try to find a way to do more for the world, this isn’t the space for that. This is the space where I’m trying to figure myself out. For whatever reason, that feels like what I need to be doing right now, and so I will keep pulling at the thread until the whole sweater comes undone.